Of Women, Weddings & Cars

I don’t know what it is with women and cars.

I have a pal whose female workmates are at his desk each morning to say hello and pay homage to his car keys.

If you are a strong wealthy independent Kenyan woman please. Please don’t catch feelings. This is not about you. Just smile quietly to yourself as you recall how things once used to be.

It is about the enormous power and hold the young and upwardly mobile men of Nairobi have over eager, young women.

These Kiamburing racing,Motorbike riding,golf club swinging,credit card wielding,coasto flying men with seemingly limitless bank.

It is also a descriptor for all those masufferer wa mungu, all those undecided,javing men out there.

Go right now to NIC bank, be a man and get yourself a car loan.

The lady is fine. She’s young, trendy,uppity, composed and looks like she does a loose Caramel lounge on the weekend for shotos before going on the dunda.

A brother is pocketing as hes trying to vibe her. She gives him a cursory glance from head to toe.

He reaches into his clinking pockets as he tries to look for his huge simu to ask for her number.

Something else emerges first and he holds this thing in his right hand, and moves the phone to his left.

Her mood suddenly changes as her eyes light up.

He makes sure the thing points at her as he holds it.

She’s like:

ooooh hizo ni nini? Ni keys za? So you have a car?

He smiles silently as he watches her dangling from his hook.

Kafish kanaflap flap!

Gimme your number? he says.

Caro: 0729…….. and if you don’t get me on that line, I have this other line 0733……. but also, here is my business card. My office line is on it, just in case…

[Later that evening, on Whatsapp]

The guys profile picture is the bonnet of a ride.


She asks:

Caro: Oooh, is that your car?

Stevo:… yes. Kwani what…

Caro: No just. 🙂

Stevo: 🙂

Stevo: So when can i see you again?

Caro: Labda sato…there’s a wedding I have to go to…We could go together…

Stevo: Hmmm ok.I’m game.

Please try and understand how important it is for a young lady to be mobile at her friend’s wedding.

Mobility is freedom.

That Furahiday, (day before the wedding) she will go to Toy and buy the highest heels she can, after all, she’s not going to the weddo by mat. No sweat. No dust. No for getting bumped into or stepped on. No odd scents.

She can also rock that marvelous clutch purse without having to carry that huge handbag with all the walking shoes and what not.

The hair and make-up stays in place.

It also gives her the ability to drive in fashionably late in his car and meander the grounds slowly, “looking for parking”.

She imagines the jealous glances of all her frenemies as she saunters in with Hot Nigga, in clothes and shoes that one cannot possibly walk in for more than 100 metres before being seated,clothes that initiated the #mydressmychoice protests, in clothes that one shall have to go back home and change again for the evening party…

Mobility is power.

Friday evening, and she’s receiving phone calls…

Jackie: Sasa Carol,aki si unipatie zile flats zako za green…aki utaenda weddo na akina?

Caro:  Siko sure yet, i’m still looking for a ride to the weddo. Ukipata niambie… nisavie seat…(as she smiles to herself)

A wedding gives her ample time to study her prey. She will be seen with him, marking territory, as well as see how he gets along with her crowd.

She can show him off at his best without being too obvious in her flaunting.

And when Sauti Sol’s Sura Yako (Original, not the remix) and One Centimeter play at the reception, she proudly joins the couples dancing huko mbele without looking lost.

And the frenemies are left gawking. They who haven’t talked to her in a while are suddenly like…

Sasa Caro… Heeee!!! Naona…maendeleo… HEEEE!!! sawa. By the way, uko na space kwa gari? Si mnaenda evening party, direct ama? Ama mnidrop tu tao?

Caro: He lives on Ngong road so hatufiki hio side, sorry…

And at the end of it all, he takes Caro home to change, and after that, to the evening party where she outshines the bride!!

And she drinks shots all evening and feels free to jienjoy to the max, coz she doesn’t have to jav, or beg anyone for a ride home. They can leave whenever they want.

Plus his watchful eye takes care of her, so she won’t overdo it. And because he’s driving, he has to be sober.

So she is the naughty one, and plays all sorts of games, and she will blame the drinks the morning after…

She does not have to consider anyone’s pleasure apart from her own, cause Stevo is here on her terms, her beck and call, and when she says lets go home, they will go.

No weirdo will try to chipo her, coz she is with fine company.

And its up to her whether Stevo chipos her or not, she is in control.

And when she’s had enough, she’ll be whisked away to wherever she may,she’ll say to her girls…

Si I’ll see you guys kesho in church, us guys have to turn in mapema… 😉

Moral of the story?

A pair of wheels will get you a an extra pair of legs, and then some.

If you wanna stop singing Uliza Kiatu, tafadhali man up and get yourself a set of wheels.


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